Frequently Asked Questions

The following questions have been culled from the thousands that have been asked repeatedly over the years by teammates, fans, enemies, strangers and occasional vice squad agents. To quench your burning curiosity, read on.

Q: What's up with the fees?
A: We pay approximately $45 in the winter and $65 in the spring. The fees go to the league to pay the refs and maintain the fields and the rest go to the beer fund. If you have a problem with the fees, take it out on our opponents. Everything is their fault.

Q: How many percent do I have to give to play for Pellman's?
A: You have to give 110%. If you are only used to giving 75% or 80% you can pick up an extra effort supplement at Vitamin Cottage, or you can buy the team a few rounds, or you can bring out a few vocal fans, or you can sub out frequently.... but come on, everyone else is giving 110% (except for Allan, who seems to have about 150% going at any time) so you might as well too, buster.

Q: Where can I get quality auto repair service?
A: Brad's shop is located on the East side of 49th St. just off Pearl. He handles all automotive issues and might give you a discount if you have scored or made a good defensive stop recently.

Q: Are there any supplemental health benefits if I get injured in a game?
A: What, do we look like an insurance company? No, you better have your own health insurance.

Q: What is Mike talking about?
A: On any given occasion, Mike is usually talking about several fascinating things all at once. If you can figure out the message within his richly allusive patter (often an amalgam of references to Wayne "the Train" Hancock lyrics, Malian folk customs, the recent news out of Congress re:water rights, and the last crazy thing Archer did) please let the rest of us know.

Q: Where are the fans?
A: When Pellman's won the D1 league championship a few years ago, we had a lot of fans coming out for our games. Unfortunately, they all turned out to be "fair weather" fans who stopped coming when we didn't win every game. If you know of any of these people, you should shame them into coming back. Also, you should encourage all your friends to come out and cheer for us, needless to say the cuter the better, but we are not picky.

Q: Where is the beer?
A: Yeah, where *is* the beer?

Q: Who do the old guys think they are kidding?
A: The old guys are kidding themselves. Please go along with them, they don't have many more games left in them.

Q: How many lawyers are on the team?
A: There are currently five lawyer-like people on the team, Mike, Jared, and Scott (actively practicing), Ben (gave up law for politics, which is sort of the same thing, only different), and Jeff Cohen (who is a legal advisor on financial matters.) We used to be able to say that all our lawyers were "good lawyers" since Mike works in environmental advocacy and Ben used to buy Open Space, but now Ben's setting policy or some such, and we're not sure exactly what Jared and Scott do. So, I guess we'll hold off on claiming any sort of moral high ground on this one for now.

Q: Is there an 'I' in 'TEAM'?
A: No, there is not.

Q: Why is Tom DeKloe always injured?
A: Tom has been on the team longer than anyone (in fact he's been on the team since before some of our opponents were BORN) and he has experienced every injury known to afflict the human body. Right now, he is a walking mass of conditions, some of which are healing, others which are getting worse. The very fact that the guy can not only drag his carcass on the field every week but close down the opponent's best scorer is a fucking miracle of nature.

Q: Has anyone on the team ever talked down cancer?
A: Yes, Adam Reynolds is also a freak of nature, since he had cancer in his foot that he basically persuaded to leave his body. You'd think after something like that he'd take up pinochle or a less, say, ambulatory pursuit, but no, the guy goes right back and resumes his soccer career, which has been a lifelong love. Talk to him about it sometime, especially if you know anyone fighting cancer, it's a pretty amazing story.

Q: Why doesn't Ben head the ball?
A: Ben does not head the ball since he had an operation on his neck that fused two vertebrae. Don't talk to him about it though, as it still kind of freaks him out. [Editor's note: Since first publication, Ben has in fact scored off several headers -- possibly to rebut the subtle implications of pansiness in this question. But you know what, we're leaving it up here to goad him into further excellence. Hey, Ben, why don't you head the ball more? Huh? Huh? Can't you score more than twice a game?]

Q: I've got a friend who I think might be good for the team. What should I do?
A: We are always interested in looking at good players, especially if they are friends of teammates. Always feel free to bring a new guy to "practice", or bring up the matter with the guys.

Q: Who makes roster decisions?
A: Roster decisions are made by the old guys, i.e. the guys who are handling the organizational and administrative responsibilities behind the scenes. Since they do the dirty work, they get to make the final call on player adds and cuts. For many years Brad did all the scutwork and was a great team captain, but his family and business responsibilities motivated his retirement from the captaincy in 1999. Coach Eric now has final say, and you better believe him when he says it.

Q: Is this team about having fun or winning?
A: Both, but all of us have played competitive soccer at a high enough level that we can't have fun if we don't win. So, our first priority is going to be to field the best team we can to make us competitive in our league. As long as we are winning with some frequency then other issues become less important and we can concentrate on having fun, camaraderie, esprit de guerre and drinking.

Q: What English author played Zorba the Greek's "boss" in the black and white movie starring Anthony Quinn?
A: Alan Bates.

Q: Are there any other questions?
A: No, there are not.